Not So Happy Ending

So my post about {logic} and the one about {over thinking}are both related to J.  They were short and probably didn't make much sense.  But it's how I have been feeling...yes we broke up about 3 months ago but I don't think I was ready to close the book just yet.  I am, among other things, a romantic.  I believe that everyone lives happily ever after.  I thought J was my happy ending.  I did, we had our differences, but nothing that couldn't be fixed if we both made the effort.  I can be quite stubborn and I am well aware of that.  I know I was stubborn when it came to a few things in our relationship, but at the time I was ok with it.  I held my ground for the sake of holding my ground.  I didn't think we reached that do or die point.  He did, he said we weren't compatible.

We still talked texted in the following months.  Still exchanged our christmas presents.  Things were ok, most of the time. Being the girl and over thinker that I am, I read what I wanted to as the subtext in our texts.  I was always honest with him.  We saw each other now and then.  I wanted to be breezy, not the crazy girl that wouldn't let go. We dated for 2 years, we were best friends, and he basically lived with me every 2 weeks.  We were in love and it's not easy for me to say it let alone turn those feelings off. I believed in us and us in love.  

Tonight he told me he met someone else.  I don't know any more then that.  I don't know if they are dating or if its just someone he is talking to.  I don't need to know.  But it upset me.  More then I was prepared for, I felt blind sided.  I didn't think other people were an option at this point.  I wanted him to want to fight for me, for us.  I wanted to be worth fighting for.  I wanted to be on the same page.  I haven't know what he was thinking for a while because we would dance around it.  But there was enough to make me think there was still something there.    

As of now, I know I just don't want to find love, but maybe finding out who I really am is the start.  I put people first, I always have.  I would defer decisions to J all the time to make sure he was happy, because if he was happy, then I was happy.  But sometimes that meant not getting what I want.  So it's time to put me first.  And I am not going to worry about anything other then me for a while.  

all images from my (Words to Remember} board

I thought about stopping this whole blog thing because I don't know that anyone other then my sister reads it.  But I may just make it less about the "pretty" and more about the real life stuff that no one usually shares.  I will show my messy house or tell you about the weekend I didn't leave my house because I just didn't want to.  I am just about 32 and for the most part I am in a good place.  I have a good job, a house and great friends and family.  My happy ending will come...someday...I just may need to write my own

So if anyone else is reading...does that sound good?  Are you up for that?